When is it OK not to be ok?
I have been meaning to write about this for a long time. But I thought it was not worthy to be part of my blog. I want a positive, happy, and playful site. So, putting on an article about when it’s ok not be OK was a contradiction. Upon reflecting, however, I thought of the reason why I write and that is to share my thoughts. In this specific case, to heal.
The Last Quarter of 2018
I would not go into details anymore, but the last quarter of 2018 was the hardest part of my year. It started with a dream that I thought was coming true. I even had started on a plan had it pushed through. In short, I was hatching the eggs even when I haven’t gotten the chicken. In my mind, I knew it was a great opportunity not just for me but for my family.
I was hoping that with this opportunity, my husband would not need to work abroad. That he could just stay here and look for work here. But please don’t get me wrong, my husband’s work abroad was a great opportunity for him. I agreed to it because I wanted him to grow professionally in his coaching career. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and the experience he would get will advance him in the industry. But the truth is..
IT WAS HARD.
It was hard being alone. Juggling work, household chores, child care, and other responsibilities I do, it was a lot to take in. Then this heartbreak came while all this was happening. Though I shared with him parts of what I was dealing with. I did not want to burden him with what was going on with me.
I was dealing with it perfectly on my own. I would tell my friends I am OK. That it was OK. That everything’s OK. But 2019 came, and my husband had to leave again for Vietnam. I was again shaken. I felt I did not have an ally. No one was there for me. So, I preoccupied myself with Enzo, with household chores, blogging, etc. so I could prove that I was OK.
BUT I WAS NOT OK.
I was struggling every day. I felt physically and emotionally exhausted. Admittedly, I skipped mass as I thought it was useless. I wanted to just sleep during the day but could not sleep at night. But I had a smiling, cheerful face when I was with people. I avoided talking about the situation, and how I felt. I was dealing away from it. I thought that the more I avoided it, the faster I can heal. It was only when I had disturbing nightmares, and no rest at all had I knew something was terribly wrong.
I WAS NOT OKAY?
That was when I told my friend everything. I was on the verge of being depressed. I did not want to use the term as I feel it might be used loosely. But I was miserable. My self-esteem was broken into tiny little pieces. What I thought I was good at proved NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Every effort, time, and hard work was NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Or maybe I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I did not know where to go. The place I once felt my safest wasn’t the safest anymore. The people I felt the most secure with were no longer. The only thing I feel I was good at, felt it wasn’t.
I just felt hurt and pained. There was nothing anyone can say and do that made me feel otherwise. But I realized I was a mother. Someone is dependent on me, and I could not afford to be sad. I had to get up, face the mirror and accept that I WAS NOT OKAY. That not everything is okay, that I was hurt. That I was sad.
I was not Okay and it’s okay. I realize IT IS OK. That if I am hurting and if I am not okay, I don’t need to explain it to anyone. That not being okay is a process of moving on. The more I deny that I wasn’t okay the more the hurt digs deeper. It was only through admitting it that I was actually okay.
So when is it okay not to be okay?
It is okay, whenever you feel you’re not OKAY.
When you are hurting, it’s okay.
tired? it’s okay.
feeling horrible? it’s okay.
Crushed and lost? it’s okay.
Whatever you may be feeling, it is always okay!
Accepting you are not okay is not your loss. It is only when you recognize that you are not okay, can you work on being okay. The more we avoid dealing with our “NOT BEING OKAY” the more we prolong our agony. It is when we succumb to sadness are, we defeated. When it’s okay not to be okay is courage. Being brave to face the reality that we are sad takes a lot from a person but at least we are healing.
And for what it’s worth, I am genuinely OKAY. The opportunity might not be mine, but the world is full of it. I might not be the person to get the opportunity, but I am enough. And when I am not Okay, I know that it’s okay NOT TO BE OKAY.